


Tony Stark's How To Use a Kitchen

by RisForRelic



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen, Science Bros, Shenangians, Team Bonding, Tony tries to cook
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-17
Updated: 2013-06-21
Packaged: 2017-11-14 10:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/514370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RisForRelic/pseuds/RisForRelic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People say Tony can't cook. Those people would be correct. Yet, Tony never backed down from a challenge before.<br/>This is a record of how to use a kitchen for reasons other than intended, and of all the shenanigans a motley crew of wayward heroes can fall into.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Toasters Can Be Used for Revenge

There was one universal rule when it came to the Avenger's Tower: don't leave Tony in the kitchen unsupervised. This had come from the result of many convoluted experiments gone awry like the Great Oven Meltdown, the Toaster-Cataclysm, and the most recent (and most fearfully referred to) Hurricane Java. Ducking became such a daily occurrence when entering the kitchen that it took all of one very unamused and very egg-splattered Phil Coulson to pass law. Tony was hereby banned in every way, shape, and form from entering the kitchen unsupervised.  

And Tony, being Tony, was not gonna go down without a fight. He was a Stark and if Starks did anything, it was throw their entire selves into getting what they wanted. And as the weeks went by Phil was starting to regret his decision. There were only so many times you could tazer a man before he cracked. And Tony, a man who never entered the kitchen to actually _cook_ anything (just tamper with the machinery), was relentless in his mission to get past Coulson's ruling.

Which led to the scene that Coulson was now calmly watching, if not for the occasional twitch of his left eye. Natasha was sprawled out on the couch, clicking through the channels. Coulson took a sip from his _Men in Black_  embossed mug.

"This is the third time today?"

"Fifth." Natasha spared a glance toward the commotion.

" _Please?"_ Tony's whines were muffled by the carpet at he was all but dragged across the room by Clint, clinging to the distressed archer's leg. 

"Hell to the freaking no." Clint tried to shake Tony off but the man just held on tighter, looping both arms around the knee. His whole bodied rolled forward in an agonized sigh, as the billionaire's grip caused him to falter slightly. He could easily throw Tony across the room but they both knew he would never do such a thing. Besides, a wall never stopped the man before.

"I am so defriending you on Facebook!" The scene progressed across the living room as Clint all but dragged Tony, leaving a slight impression in the carpet. 

"Fuck. Phil!" Clint called, exasperated. "Don't just stand there, help me!"

"Complaining to _Mom_ now?" Tony lifted his head for a bit, hair sticking up, and stuck his tongue out at the agent. Coulson merely took a sip of his coffee and raised an eyebrow. 

"I'm off Stark-duty today. He's your problem."

"Fuck. Natasha?" Clint turned desparately toward her. She sighed, turned off the tv, and got up. His eyes widened hopefully until she yawned and started to head out of the room.

"I'm going for a jog. Be back for dinner." Clint practically wilted as he watched her retreating form.

"Greetings, mine friends!" Thor came thundering in as Bruce walked at a more milder pass behind him, holding his own Hulk-themed mug. He paused to stare at the bickering duo, blinked a few times and shuffled over to Coulson.

"Kitchen?"

"Kitchen." 

Bruce nodded his head in understandment before taking another drawn-out sip of his tea.

Tony watched as he savored his drink with mild interest before remembering why he was out of his workshop in the first place. He quickly detached himself from Clint's legs to awkwardly pull himself over to the Asgardian's boot-clad feet, in what could only be described as a loose-interpretation of the Grudge.

The archer let out a small whoop of joy and was headed out of the room before Tony's words brought him to a grinding halt. 

"And he was so mean to me. I mean, buddy, I've done a lot for you right?" He barreled over the now sympathetic god's nods. "You obviously appreciate my efforts, but Clint here-"

"Hey!"

"Nay, my friend. Let the Man of Iron speak." Thor shut the archer down with a wave of his hand as Clint looked over to Phil in mild alarm. 

"-So when I asked if he would just take a few measly seconds of his spare time to test the new toaster I had built especially for my hard-working companions, and _especially_ for you big guy, he refused!" Tony looked up with wide eyes and a subtle-tremble to his lips that had the Asgardian whirling on the archer as quick as it took for Tony to switch between innocent and impish.

Clint could only slump helplessly as Thor lectured him on the importance of camaraderie which quickly diffused into a speech about how the perfectly toasted pop tart was a quest worthy of the most valor that could not be halted lest in the most grave circumstances.  

Coulson, already regretting his decision, turned to Tony and sighed.  "So, what does this new toaster do that the other _well-working_ toaster could not?" 

The man blinked owlishly at him for the five seconds it took to spring up and swagger to the clothed bundle seated on the coffee table in the middle of the room.  

"This, my finely-pressed Supernanny," another perfectly sculpted eyebrow was raised, "is the next best innovation to come around for toaster-kind everywhere! It is _the_ leading model over any other high-quality toaster on the market. And let me tell you, there aren't many and they're all sold by Stark International. See, we Starks like our coffee hot and our bagels aptly roasted. The new Toasty Version 8.0 is on the frontline of providing both a well-heated breakfast commodity and that much needed cup of joe _every_ hero and god needs!" 

He turned to Thor and his grin turned from faux-charm to positively deviant in a way that screamed "I'm about to have my way" so loud Phil took a seat for the show. Tony to his benefit, just barely controlled the near-insane giggles that threatened to burst out. 

"And _that_ , my gorgeously sculpted friend is why Version 8.0 now comes with a feature that not only toast the Pop Tarts to the _perfect_ temperature but it also reloads itself for hands-free tart-toasting efficiency! You'll find yourself with a mouthful of delicious, warm pastry-goodness quicker than you can say another."

Thor, to his own benefit, could only grin with matching "enthusiasm" and demand the device be tested at once. 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, big guy!" Tony patted Thor on his biceps and swung an arm around his waist. "Before you go about enjoying the labor of love I made, I need to know that it will work at its _upmost_ capability. I would not be able to sleep a single night had I known that the first time you used the device it did not work properly."

"That is fine my-" 

"No, no! I _insist_. It would absolutely ruin my entire  _soul_ had I not been able to fix its kinks." Tony stopped leading Thor when he reached their destination: a very fidgety and very-cautious looking Clint. "This is why I needed ol' Hawkeye here to just run into the kitchen, put some bread in my baby, and press the button. That's all I need. And, as you may know, I would absolutely put myself up to the task but I've unfortuantely been banned from setting foot in the necessary environment needed to test my baby.  _But_ he has stubbornly refusee all my courteous forms of asking. Such a shame. I suppose I'll just have to stash it away before I can find a friend willing enough to do me a favor."

Thor was looking at Clint with what could only be described as sheer disappointment. Coulson's lips twitched a bit as he looked over his mug of coffee. Agent Barton was done for. 

Clint seemed to come to that conclusion himself and looked despairingly at Tony. 

"This is for last Thursday, isn't it? When I interrupted your stupid movie night with Steve by dropping that fake spider on your head from the vents, _isn't it_?" 

"I have _no_ idea what you're referring too." Tony smirked in a way that told Clint he had and he was about to get his revenge. The battle-worn agent could only give one last pleasing look at the crazed scientist before he steeled himself up and trudged over to the toaster. Giving it a once-over he puffed his chest out and gripped it tight, making his way into the kitchen with a bouncing Asgardian and cackling madman.

Clint took a deep breath when he reached the archway and stopped.

"Before we do this, there are only three things I'd like to say: I don't regret anything, you scream like a girl, and how do I plug this in?"

The metallic whoosh of the doors sliding open diverted Phil's gaze to the super-soldier that just shuffled into the room. His sweats told him that he had just been working out, and he could feel his dormant-fanboy flare up before Steve directed his attention over. Giving the occupants a look, Steve let his eyes briefly linger on the duo in the kitchen before turning questionably to the two "sane" people in the room.

Bruce only shrugged and chuckled into his oolong. Phil cast him a look before he took a deep breath and went to open his mouth. His words were suddenly eaten by the thunderous boom that erupted from the nearby room, followed by the thick cloud of billowing smoke. 

JARVIS quickly doused the ensuing fire with the state-of-the-art fire system Fury ordered be installed, and Phil internally groaned at all the paperwork he knew this would lead to.

Thor let out a mighty laugh and Tony's cackle had worked itself up into a full out, body-bending laugh. Steve could only stand, in mild shock, as he Clint staggered into the room covered with foam. His face was slightly ashy and he when he coughed, he let out a little plume of smoke. 

Steve's eyebrow creased with worry as he reached out a hand to help but halted as Clint raised a hand. He continued his way to the other side of the room before glancing over his shoulder.

"I don't regret anything."


	2. Kitchens Make Great Stages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shoot To Thrill by AC/DC.  
> Sometimes men just have to let their hair down and jam.

_"All you women, who want a man of the street!"_

The floor started to pulse underneath the boisterous strums of a guitar and the resounding beat of drums. The cup of coffee Coulson had just set down was starting to jiggle on the coaster, teetering dangerously over the edge. With a sigh he folded up the morning news, straightened his tie, and pushed himself off his chair in search of the disturbance.

_"Don't know which way you wanna turn!"_

The pulsating beat led him down a floor, across two hallways, and into a room that made him more wary than anything.

_"Just keep coming, and put your hand out to me!"_

He had barely taken a step into the kitchen before he was almost barreled over by a boxer-clad Tony Stark, sliding across his field of vision, giving an impressive air-guitar performance as Bruce sat behind him on drums (using the island and two spoons).

_"Shoot to thrill, play to kill!"_ Tony shook his head, grabbed a spatula off the counter, and spun around almost slipped on the tiles. He still managed to keep the beat and jerk his legs accordingly, amping up his performance when he spotted their audience.

With a mischievous glint in his eye he waltzed up to the agent and started to dance provocatively around him, grinning when all Coulson could do was sigh and pinch the bridge of his nose. Tony grinding his hips was an image he'd wish he would never have to see, especially when it was directed at him and _especially_ when his underwear was dotted with little Captain America shields.

_"I'm like evil, I get under your skin!"_ He whipped his spatula toward Bruce, giving a slight pump of pelvis in the same direction, nodding his head in line with the words.

_"Just like a bomb that's ready to blow!"_ The man joined in without missing a beat, still doing his own thing, head bobbing along with Tony's.

_"Cause I'm illegal! I got everything!"_ Tony jumped back in, shuffling on sock-clad feet as he went back to his own head-banging.

Their jam session continued like that: Bruce banging to the rhythm, Tony hopping on one leg still screaming at the top of his lungs, while Coulson contented himself to be their respective audience. Out of the corner of the agent's eyes he spotted movement and had just turned his head when an overly-enthusiastic Clint slid into the kitchen with his own duck-embroidered boxers swishing in his wake. The only thing different between him and Tony was the set of sunglasses he had on that were definitely not the ones that Phil kept locked in a safe by his bed.

_"Shoot to thrill, play to kill! Too many women, too many pills!"_

Tony smirked as he handed a more than willing Clint the spatula, and rushed to the nearest drawer to pull out two more pairs of glasses. Phil ran a hand down his face before a pair of glasses were roughly shoved into his chest. He squinted his eyes and made to say something before he noticed the trio smiling at him expectantly, the overhead light glinting off each of their own lenses. The song continued on in the background as they kept their gaze on him.

_"I can't get enough, and I can't get me fill!"_

Phil took a deep breath before sliding the frames over his own eyes and raised an expectant eyebrow. Almost immediately the trio went back to rocking out, occasionally moving the mic in front of Coulson who would just stare back at them until they shifted nervously and spun away.

Even quiet-natured Bruce had gotten so into the song that he was now standing with the other two, seemingly taking the air-guitar role from Tony who was now just hopping around and pumping his fist. Clint was twisting all around, throwing himself into the spatula at each verse. All three of them were doing an impressive three-man tribute to the band when Tony suddenly got the bright idea to incorporate more cutlery into the mix.

_"Play it again!"_

They contined to jam one holding a wooden spoon, another a metal spatula, and the last a broom (Bruce's guitar).

Coulson admired their frenzy, until he noticed the one thing that he hadn't picked up on before. He had been too busy, caught up in the "band's" performance, to recognize the broken shards of what used to be Bruce's mug lying in the dust pan barely seen around the corner of the island. Casually averting his gaze to the scientist's hands he noticed the palms were covered in small band-aids of Tony's own design. They were barely noticeable, almost melting into the skin.

_"I'm gonna shoot you down, yeah, yeah, yeah!"_

Saving all of this information later he took the time to actually study the trio as they jerked about. He noticed the tension that had been in Bruce's shoulders at the start of the song had relaxed as Tony shimmied around him. Whenever it seemed like Bruce was about to divert his attention elsewhere the billionaire would either shove the "microphone" in his face or he would go all out with his dancing, herding Bruce farther and farther away from his original seat.

Clint seemed to get an idea of what Tony was doing (and maybe an idea of what happened) and started to push and pull Bruce along too. And Bruce, for all his credit, actually let the two drag him while occasionally bringing back the broom to play a few quick strums whenever the guitar was needed.

_"Shoot you, shoot you, shoot you!"_

Phil felt his lips twitch and leaned back in his stool, pulling the glasses down over his own eyes.

Maybe it was the way Bruce seemed to sway with the duo as they swung all about, knocking their heads against open air; maybe it was his own subconscious affinity for the song; maybe it was the way they all seemed to trust each other enough to get this wild and this passionate. Whatever it was, it brought out some of the man Coulson could never be. And if his hands tapped along with the melody, if his legs jerked in rhythm with theirs, or if his own rough voice started to join in on the chorus, they wouldn't mention it.

They definitely wouldn't mention the way he bobbed his head as he left the trio to their doings, sunglasses glinting underneathe the lights. They wouldn't say anything because there wasn't anything to be said.

After all, they all had their broken mugs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> risforrelic.tumblr.com
> 
> Feel free to point out typos/grammar mistakes.
> 
> Inspiration: I asked a friend what song Tony would rock out to, and he said anything AC/DC.  
> I thought Bruce would make a great partner.

**Author's Note:**

> Where it came from: I couldn't resist the idea Phil banning Tony from entering the kitchen, due to one mishap or another. Cue Tony shenanigans.


End file.
